Most children are afraid of monsters. As a child, I sure was. I remember my childhood home, and with the way that my room was arranged my bed sat on the opposite wall from my closet doors. These doors were made of wood that was stained and varnished so that you could see the patterns in the wood. Every night when I went to bed I was looking at those closet doors. The doors slid side to side, and one would slide behind the other. Now the outermost door had an unusual pattern in the wood, and that pattern looked like a face, but not a nice face. In my immature mind the face looked like a person in agony. This tortured face on my door is what I imagine the faces of people who are condemned to eternity in Hell look like. And, to this day, I remember how afraid I was of that face, that monster on my closet door.
Many, many years have passed since I lived in that room, and for the most part the monster on the door has faded into my memory, only to surface occasionally here and there. The only hold that the door monster had in my life was in my mind, and at the time that hold was strong. But, as with most all of us, I grew out of the phase where fear and concern about “faces” on closet doors, or monsters under my bed, were part of my evening rituals.
I didn’t believe in monsters anymore. But perhaps I should have. For today I have just come face to face with a monster, and it is not that face that I saw on my closet door. This monster is of another image and it’s image looks back at me in the mirror. This ugly, tortured behemoth lives and breathes right inside of me. And, today, I’m fully seeing this monster for exactly what it is. This monster horrifies me even more than that image on my closet. This monster is manipulation. And although I’ve always had the realization that I take control of situations to “make things happen,” or “to help God along,” today’s realization was quite a slap in the face.
Less than a week ago, I prayed an earnest prayer to God. I asked him to mold me into the person that He would have me become. I told God that I want to be a loving reflection of Him in all areas of my life, but especially so in my marriage. I asked Him to change my heart in the areas that need to change, and prayed Psalm 51:10 over myself. I asked God to deliver me from the strongholds that have hindered me in my walk as a Christian. And, today God sent me a real wake up call.
So today Lord, I come to you to confess that this need to control, to manipulate situations to come out to my goals, must be removed from my life. I’ve sinned on this front in the past and I no longer want to serve the monster of manipulation. The only reflection in the mirror that I want to see is Yours. I thank you for showing me what control this behemoth of manipulation had on my life. I lay it down at your feet and through the power of the Holy Spirit I will move forward towards becoming the woman of God that you would have me be.