Back when I was a young “whipper snapper” I performed. I sang and I acted. I loved singing and acting. I loved the expression of it all, I loved pouring my heart out in a song or a role. I thought I was good at it. Others told me that I was good at it. And, I loved the attention, I mean I really loved the attention. Perhaps that is what lead me in my more mature years to think that I should have a real position of importance/promenance in God’s Kingdom. I thought that I had something to share and that I belonged in the spotlight. I wanted people to like me, I wanted people to come to me, perhaps I wanted to be a great teacher/speaker like our wise, and humble, hosts on Proverbs 31 Ministry.
About 15 years ago, I took my first spiritual gifts test. It was a sort of questionnaire that you filled out and it told you what spiritual gifts you possessed. While I don’t remember the complete assessment, I remember the gift of organization was at the very top. Mercy and prophesy were at the very bottom. Teaching was not high on the list either. You want organization? I’m your gal, I can organize the stuffing out of almost anything! Not only do I organize, I re-organize, wait a while, and then re-organize again. I’m always reorganizing things in our living space. I also love efficiency, so I tend to look at ways that I can make organization work for me in a more efficient manner.
But, as I said, teaching was not high on my list of spiritual gifts. So, book writing and standing delivering inspired messages like Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer, Lysa Terkeurst, and the rest of the fabulous ladies at Proverbs 31 and First Five, is out of the question. There goes that spotlight!
And then the question that always enters into my mind is this: Just exactly what do you want to be in the spotlight for? Is it to capture the hearts and minds of believers and leading others to a faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Is it planting seeds for future salvation? Or, is it so that I can get acclaim? And, that’s a question that I have asked myself over and over again. The other side of this issue are the other questions that plague my mind, such as: am I smart enough? Do I have enough knowledge and wisdom to to discern what is God’s message and not my message. And that prospect really perplexes me. I’m nothing special, I am who I am, I am not any great scholar, I don’t possess great wisdom. Do I really have anything worthwhile to share? I’m not Lysa, Beth, or Priscilla. Who would listen to me? So when it comes down to it, I really don’t think I could do it. However, as I get older, I feel a need for a community of women where I can talk about faith, buoy up others in their faith, and plant seeds.
So what does that look like? I am not sure. I write in my journal, I share my observations, and weaknesses here, and within my Bible study. I talk about my faith on Facebook, and I try to show my faith by my example with others who are out on the road like myself. I feel a need, a real need and strong desire to point others to God, but I am still unsure if that’s really what God wants me to do. I feel ill equipped for doing something like that, after all, who am I?
But, did you notice something in my musings above? It’s a lot of “I” messages. I want this, I want that, I’m not smart, I’m not special, I’m talented, etc. I, I, I. The truth of the matter is “I” get in the way. And I really don’t want to be in the way.
Deep down I want God to shine, I want the glory to point to God alone. And, whatever God wants me to do, well then that’s what I want to do. He will equip me with what I need, when I need it. I need to remain with Him and wait. If He wills it, He will accomplish it, not me! I don’t have to worry about whether I am good enough or smart enough, if God is in control. I just have to get myself out of the way and let Him shine. He tells us in Zechariah 4:6 “Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts” (ESV). So what ever that may be for my life, may God accomplish it, and may I get all of my “I’s” out of His way.